Kryptic Centurion's Movies > Movie reviews by Kryptic Centurion

Goodison County - Population: lol

Posted : 1 year, 2 months ago on 2 September 2008 08:40 (A review of AVP: Aliens vs. Predator - Requiem)

"In space, no one can hear you scream. On Earth, it won't matter."

A great take on the classic tagline from Ridley's Alien but this is all that this film has to offer. Yeah! We get it. Alien, Aliens & Predator were great films, inconic and cult classics in everyway, but do they have to feel the need to reference them in almost every single scene? Apparently, they do! The Strausse have made it abundently clear that they are HUGE fans of both franchises but they didn't feel the need to stand on their own.

AvP:R is set in modern day USA. Thats the first mistake! Carrying on from a film that was an abysmal failure is exactly what made this film start at a minus! Nobody wants to see some quaint little town getting on with their lives and have a big ol' interstellar crisis at their doors! Also, the future couldn't deal with the Xenomorph threat so what made anyone think that their ascendants could! IDIOCY!

Every human character was immediately forgettable. No tears, all sighs. They should have just removed them or replaced them with a redundant currency! The story was made as a chronicling of how much the Aliens and Predators go to extreme lengths to usurp the other. The human characters are meant to tell the story! You find out things as they do, but evidently in this they are so unimportant that they barely find anything out about their foe. The Directors must have known how pointless they all were so just left them in the dark (visually aswell!) to compliment their already non-existent IQs.



THIS WAS THE MOST RIDICULOUS SCENE OF THE FILM! The Predator can lift up two aliens with one hand on each, I can buy that. He works out! But the fact that the Aliens don't use their razor sharp tails to cut him a new one is absurd! If the Strausse Brothers knew anything about the mythology, the Xenos use their tails like a limb. Constantly! They wouldn't be pancing thats for sure.

The only reason this film received my rating was because of the visual aspects. Puppets still being used for the close encounters and the vibrant and inspiring sound effects. They pretty much used the SFX from Aliens to help it win back the fans. They didn't...but I enjoyed the old Motion Tracker sounds. New Ringtone anyone?

Also, the gore was extremely satisfying. Nothing like watching people melt due to acid spiilages or explode from impregnation. Essentially it brought back the series' to a standard horror rating with more blood than the human body can handle! This was the only improvement. These creatures don't mess around, when they kill you they do it as brutally as possible and this film displayed that in a serene fashion that made it feel soo natural. Welcome back!

The Predalien made its debut in this movie. Can't say I felt overwhelmed but its presence. It was giving a unique ability seeing as it was an immature Queen, although most casual viewers think that all Predaliens can do this. They can get bent. It might aswell not have been there considering the film was so dark. Classic gag from my AvP forum, the film was shot entirely like this:



Alien 5, Predator 3? Impossible. Sigourney, Cameron and Ridley had all expressed making a new title in the future for their respective stories *sigh* Both series have been diluted by the other now. You can't expect one of these films now without a cameo from the other species. This film has made me sad but not in a good way.

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I am Jack's Half Baked Review

Posted : 1 year, 5 months ago on 18 June 2008 03:29 (A review of Fight Club)

The Indie film has become more and more popular as the years go on. Blockbusters and high concept movies are losing their appeal as favourite films because the audience strives for a deeper meaning and an alternative look on the big screen. Being a teen in the late 90s, this is one of the first films that stood out for me in the Indie bracket.

So, David Fincher directed an adaptation of Chuck Palahniuk book Fight Club. Jack (Ed Norton) is a man who lacks any kind of lift in life. Stuck in middle management and suffering from insomnia, his life is a complete waste as he is overcome by consumer culture and no longer enjoys anything that he isn’t told to like. That is, until he meets a confident and inspiring Soap Salesman known as Tyler Durden (Brad Pitt); who teaches him more about being a man than any self-help book could ever do.

The film has a lot of commentary on maculinity which you couldn't help but notice through every scene. Tyler Durden is a somewhat accurate representation of modern masculinity. He has a scruffy but well preserved appearance which makes him stylish but not enough to make him look like he cares about his looks. However, actively starting fights and enjoying getting beaten up shows that he is a sadist and a masochist, which makes him quite the oddity and contrast. Furthermore, he doesn’t need or want anyone to provide for and so being the head of a nuclear family isn’t his goal (unlike traditional man). Creating a fraternity for like minded men is his link to being the breadwinner of his societal archetype. It can go as far as to say that Tyler Durden is so masculine that he doesn’t need what a normal man wants, which is possibly why Jack wants to be him. Little does he know...

The film can also be seen as postmodern as it is self-aware. There are times when Jack and Tyler talk to the audience, breaking the fourth wall, explaining what they are doing and so forth. Using the subliminal penis shot throughout the film and explaining how it is done is teaching the audience that the characters are aware they are in a film and performing for the sake of the movie. Something of an early mindf*ck but was a rather entertaining addition.

The narration, as well as explaining the narrative for the audience, rewinds and fast forwards itself to what Jack says and so creates an MTV-like *groan* effect where everything is explained in due course. In terms of genre, there are no clear lines of what the film can be classed as. It shares conventions with the thriller and with certain crime dramas but there is nothing for sure, which further classes Fight Club as a post modern text. Even though it was an early 'mainstream indie' it managed to rock conventions beyond what anyone could have expected at the time.

I think for me, the soundtrack was quite unforgettable. Even now, I don't recollect the film when I hear any of the songs. I think this was the main flaws of the film. The tracks were just thrown in for the sake of making the film more alternative. Maybe it was just there to make you feel a sense of unbelonging which Jack himself felt. But thats probably a load of shit.

One of the last great films of the 20th century and a must see for anyone with a penchant for the weird, wonderful and whimsical.

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The Almost!

Posted : 1 year, 5 months ago on 15 June 2008 05:34 (A review of The Happening)

"Can I have a ticket to The Happening thats happening right now?"

The title and trailer of this film always lead me to believe this was a 'movie within a tv show' from the Simpsons. Its ambiguousness and vague outset gave that extra point that you have to see this film to actually find out whats going on! However, it did give me a sense of curiousity and it was instantly put on my to see list.

Unfortunately, I saw this film with people who tend to read spoilers before they go and see a movie. Which all I can say, it ruined the premise. There was no longer any mystery and I was just left waiting for what was happening to happen so I could see it with my own eyes. Wankers.

The word 'eerie' is used quite a lot with this film and I couldn't agree more. As with a majority of Shyamalan films, you expect something different and malevolent occurring behind the scenes. The score backed this mood for the film aswell as the handheld they seemed to follow the expressions as they manifested.

The concept was highly evocative. It had a slight Darwinism twang to it which made it much more intriguing. The main nemesis of the film was an immobile but omnipresent natural organism that you couldn't avoid easily which kept the suspense drilled in throughout. It came about all of a sudden, the explanation, so I felt that reflected the title (and poor narrative structure). "Yeah, plants are dangerous."

Mark Wahlberg also attracted me to this film. He provided a solemn and whimsical addition to the situation. His facial expressions were questionable but there couldn't have been a better person to have the camera shoved right in his face. You could count his worry lines. Zooey Deschanel is a rising star that I've been keeping my eye on aswell, luckily she had beautiful eyes for the closes ups to be even more pleasurable. Their relationship was comical at best, there was no turmoil between them but there was no love either. Just a load of indifference.

Another aspect with Shyamalan films is that he gives 'the crowd' a personality. You see a group of people and he manages to give them a unique aspect so that they aren't your usual background characters. Cheesey and sometimes overpointless but they give that sense of realism which derives from the core heroes which media is accustomed too.

The film wasn't a cut above the rest but it was a vast improvement over Lady in the Water which shall never be named again. I'm still holding out hope for the director, even if I have to wait a lifetime.

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Can I come with you?

Posted : 1 year, 7 months ago on 22 April 2008 03:51 (A review of Screamers)

This is what I'm talking about! Classic Dystopia. The future is literally in ruins. It didn't have a glorious budget but the story alone was thrilling and grainy. A good mixture of science fiction and horror, which I'm not a massive fan of. But what the hell.

Sometime in the future, an outpost on a stranded planet on the frontlines of an interstellar war has hit an all time low on communications and zeal.

Due to the radiation, everyone has become smoke-aholics and there isn't a smile in the joint! After a shuttle crash, the Commander Henderson (Peter Weller) sets off on a quest to broker a treaty with the opposing frontline.

However, in the no man's land is a prototypical machine that stalks by your own pulse. Subterranean, armed with buzz saws and great leaping potential. A force to be reckoned with. Henderson finds that more has been going on in no man's land than he first thought.

Life has changed, technology has changed. Loads of surprises and a tactical nuke explosion later, you have a face-off. I seriously think more of you Dystopa-likes will consider this film. K. Dick was behind it all. How can you refuse!

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Hey squeaker!

Posted : 1 year, 7 months ago on 18 April 2008 06:18 (A review of All Dogs Go to Heaven)

Yes, this film will give you nightmares but at least it explains heaven and hell in a roundabout way!

A young scoundrelous dog called Charlie has become more and more involved in crime because of his corrupt partner Carface (?). He eventually gets assassinated and goes to heaven where he meets the 'registrar' to sign in. However, he feels his time isn't up and fancies some revenge so he swipes his Watch which represents his time left alive and rewinds it. He's back down on Earth where he begins to start his plan to foil Carface and save a little girl's life.

Loads of memorable musical numbers and some classic Don Bluth animation. Burt Reynolds provides the voice for the hero which was a good shout.

The scenes depicting hell are the most fearful and frightening moments for any child to watch. One of my friends still wets herself when she even hears the name of this film. That irrational fear manages to bring a whole new spectrum of emotions that doesn't usually show up in animated films in western culture.

If you wanna give your kids or younger sibling a good film where they can sing-along and then get scared shitless. Sign them up for this!

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Doom! Doom! DOOM!

Posted : 1 year, 7 months ago on 18 April 2008 06:02 (A review of The Flight of Dragons)

I can't remember when this film came about in my life but I was young. My Grandpop would tape various animation/kids films for me with his latest VCR. I would get monthly installments of new films this way!

Anyway, this film follows the World of Magic which is about to kick the bucket due to the real world becoming more and more involved with Science. Four wizardly brothers convene to discuss sealing their world off before humans stop believing in mysticism and magic. Three of the brothers (a white guy, an oriental guy and a black guy (McDonald's Advert)) agree with this but the fourth brother, Ommadon, who is somewhat grotesque in appearance fancies corrupting the world of men so he can take over all worlds. Voiced by James Earl Jones, he couldn't really lose!

The only way to defeat him is by taking his Red Crown which bestows him his powers. Carolinus the Green Wizard Brother summons forth a Man of Science (Peter) from the real world to aid their cause. He, along with Gorbash the Dragon and Sir Orin the Knight must trek across the land to defeat Ommadon.

After a sneak attack and a mishap, Peter and Gorbash get absorbed into one body. Gorbash' Body and Peter's Mind, and so the old dragon Smrrgol has to go along too to teach Peter how to be a dragon. They eventually pick up a Wolf, a female archer and a treetop elf whuch completes their party. They face many trials and many casualties along the way.

My love for a fellowship joining up and going on their merry way was what drew me back to this film again and again. Each person had their own unique skill and purpose. Their reliance on each other was commendable. The sacrifices they make for everyones freedom is beyond the call of duty.

The film also poses the question between logic and belief which isn't very subtle. An enjoyable animation though!

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Swing low, sweet chariot.

Posted : 1 year, 7 months ago on 18 April 2008 05:40 (A review of Addams Family Values)

I believe God himself casted this film. Never has there been a more perfect collaboration between actors on screen! Its also a comedy which makes that fact even more amazing.

Morticia was up the duff at the end of the first film, so that sets up the beginning of this one. A new addition means change and not for the best. The older siblings of newly born Pubert are jealous of the attention he receives from the older generations. After various whacky and cruel events, the Addams' hire a nanny who isn't what she appears to be.

Fester once again becomes an integral role to the plot, which further seperates this film from the original TV Series.

I can almost picture the film in my mind because I am so familiar with it. Laughs all round, cheery dispositions dealt with and an almost glowing feeling left when you finish up watching.

Raul Julia died after hearing they were making a sequel without him and the other greats of this Duology!

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WHAT WAS THIS!

Posted : 1 year, 7 months ago on 18 April 2008 04:23 (A review of Jurassic Park III)

I actually think Sam Neill was drugged or blackmailed to do this film. There is no way this film could topple its predessors!

Take a perfectly good franchise and place it next to a toilet bowl. Shit on it and then dunk it in! I'll flush it for you.

This film added nothing to the over-arcing story! It was a freak accident that helped nothing and no one out. You literally go from, T-Rex waltzing around in Californee to rescuing a muggy kid on another island! I think this is where next seasons Lost is gonna be!

I'm a massive fan of the Tyrannosaurus Rex. I know it gets slagged off as a scavenger these days but who cares. You think of Dinosaurs, you think of the King. The fight scene between it and the Spino was rigged. Super-Predator my arse! It wasn't even discovered until three years after the Islands were made! Thank God they didn't throw in that chameleon dinosaur from the Lost World novel. I would have blown up.

JP4 isn't gonna save the franchise if they think beating this is their only solution!

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From Russia with Jub.

Posted : 1 year, 7 months ago on 4 April 2008 07:18 (A review of Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me)

Although they are extremely corny and quite mundane. I generally enjoy the Austin Powers films. This one in particular was a good follow-up to the franchise.

Mike Myers has so much charisma and cheese that he usually can carry all roles. I'm actually sick of his Scottish accent though. Nailing about 4 role in these films, he literally is the film. So it boils down to whether you like Mike Myers or not

This film disposes of the resolution to the first film quite quickly allowing Austin to go back to his 60s ways.

Then every joke follows a similar formula to the first. Littered with references and homages to all genres. This is a cool family film and I can guarantee at least one smile when watching.

Now fuck off.

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If I were a religious man...

Posted : 1 year, 7 months ago on 3 April 2008 05:14 (A review of I, Robot)

...I would still enjoy this film.

After a period of sequels, Will Smith managed to bag this role which I feel he thoroughly deserved. My friend quoted to me after the film finished: "Smith is back." I couldn't have agreed more. (But then he made Hitch & Shark Tale :( )

Anyway, this film focus' around a future where Robotics have been made part of commercial society. Having an NS-4/5 is a basic necessity. Everyone has one which they rely on constantly and the company that makes them seems to have infinite resources. Perfect set-up for Dystopia!

One man defies the societal law of relying on Robots, Del Spooner! After some tragic accident, he no longer trusts the machines. They lack the emotional quality that most organic beings posess which he feels is heartless and doesn't want anything to do with them. Not in this future though! His daily routine usually involves cooperating with scallies and robots of various types. The man doesn't catch a break.

It also follows a Detective story motiff which all good dystopic future narratives should have. The investigation has him exploring what he has always dreamed of: The machines not being as perfect as everyone is lead to believe. Once again, the laws of robotics are used in mainstream cinema. However, this film manages to portray it in a different light. How AI can eventually evolve to the point where the laws have an alternate meaning.

The amazing visuals and cityscapes were worth every penny. If you're gonna portray the future you need to show more of the setting than four walls. You need to see inside and out aswell. As pointed out in Prelude's list, the product placement is shameful but I didn't find it noticeable until I saw that list so they didn't ruin my viewing pleasure.

Cue explosions, 'car' chases, malfucktions and the colour Blue. Definitely worth a watch.

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